My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Come share oat with me in your robe
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
