I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
