she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
