You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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