last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
