I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
