you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
