To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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