Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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