Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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