I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?