She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
