Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
