I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
