I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
