Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
