OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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