I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
