Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
