I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
