why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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