Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
