i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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