what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
