We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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