I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
