I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
