At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
