I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
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