wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
