I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think I won the penis lottery.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
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no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
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I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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