Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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