then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
