Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
