between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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