he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
