hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
