I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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