why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
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