I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
