Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
