i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
