So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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