when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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