I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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