You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
