it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
