The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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