we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He felt like a one man threesome
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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