I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
