Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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