Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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