no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
