I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
