Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
