I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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