I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
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after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
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Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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