Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Randomize
