my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
