I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
