allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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